Believe and Be alright

I screwed up my future.

I don't know what my future holds. My results is just a repeat of PSLE. It is neither here nor there. This time, I'm not so lucky. I don't have affiliation to better schools. Not saying CJC sucks but its not known for its science stream. Yes. Science stream. Idk if I can get into NYJC/SAJC. I'd be so happy if I can. I'd really be so happy.

People are telling me that 7 distinctions is very very good. Yepp, with A1s and A2s but really, one B4 and its not even like some random subject. -__-
Thats like my L1.. My one and only L1. This is so depressing. Now you tell me which school wants me? I'm being very open about this even though its embarrassing but so what if all my other subjects are very good? So what if I have a natural talent when it comes to science... And skills for math... Even better when it comes to memorising stuff if I feel like? All because of one subject.. It just like dragged all my other glorious subjects down. Who cares if I'm good in science. No one is going to care. All because of one language. Tell me which JC will want me now.

So what if I read the readers digest/national geographic and have all the knowledge I have in the world and have the content for GP yadie yada.. It still doesn't make a difference. Because Olevel had decided my path before I could decide it. All because I suck at comprehension and narratives or maybe language is just not my forte.
Its just not like science when I can just like get through it after understanding it. Or math... after practising like 16 over school papers? Or my humanties. How did I even get A2 for combined humanities. That came as a shock. I didn't even bother to do my combined humanties paper properly. I just wrote crap.. whatever that came to my mind, I wrote it down. You get what I mean? I actually prepared hard for my english paper. Urgh not my forte unlike others.

So what if I got like "best improvement" thingy. Its just like something that makes me feel better right? I'm certain. Okay fine. 223 for PSLE.. expected L1R5: 21. Actual: 11.
Yes it was a struggle in St Nicks. Being someone extremely playful and being able to score 11-2 pts is probably something good to others.
But you know how it feels? I struggled so hard in st nicks. It was a tough struggle. No one understands. I may seem to be in my own happy world but I studied extremely hard so that I'd not be lagging behind those who scored 250++ and some even said that I was smart. No one understands me. I study on the bus. I memorise on the bus and I really doubled my engines. I even do math on the bus when I was so desperate to practise more because memorising was an easy thing for me.. I'm certain I doubled. So of course I expected more.
1) I'm not smart
2) I'm hardworking but EXTREMELY playful.
Why do people say that I'm smart/I'm a nerd. And now I have to face like 10 over messages... People asking me about my results and I'm like :\

I don't stand a chance in NYJC. Everyone.. 7pointers, 4pointers are putting NYJC. WHAT THE HELL. Can't they put something else so depressed people like me.. 9pointer stand a chance to enter. Its a single digit for goodness sake. Like if they can enter into better JCs why can't they and want to compete with other sad 9 pointers who are desperately trying to get into NYJC. I don't know. Why. Why urgh. My life can't be screwed and gone just like that. Its just so screwed. I'm so desperate I'll appeal. I'll like literally go on my knees and beg the school to take me.
I know myself well. I need a good environment. I need to be motivated. Putting me into some school that I don't want will just kill me... Its easy to say to make the best out of what I have but its not as easy as what you think you know. Its not. Just begging for that change. SA and NY. just take me. science stream... I need it very badly.

On a better note, my mum told me that she'll buy me a new computer since I got 7 distinctions. So yeah. Thats the only good part of the day. The rest is just depressing. I'm going to pray for the best and hope for the best. I just need that one more chance. I was given one when I stepped into st nicks with 223. I'm really greedy but I need 1 more.

Still.. I want to thank all the teachers that have been through that tiring year with me. Without their help, I'd never reach 7 distinctions. And I want to thank god because... I still can go to a JC and its 7 distinctions and without him, I'd not be where I am now.
I just.. need to be greedy. Just 1 more time.

Sleepless nights ahead.

I don't know.

Extremely desperate.

No one is going to understand how I'm feeling now.

That feeling when they say it doesn't define you? But it obviously defines you because it defines your future. It may not affect me directly but it affects me indirectly.

I just can't believe it.



brb... switching to dubstep music at the loudest now.


It isn't working.

Acousitc music make me so urgh....

my teeth feel weird. Its been 12hours without my retainers.....

Someday if I ever make it to become a dentist, I'll make sure I invent some braces thing without people having to wear retainers and cut down on the plucking of teeth.

Maybe I'll invent something better...





Thats if I make it to become a dentist.

Feeling so helpless now.

Science stream.

I'm so desperate.

I've thought about other options like a landscape designer and all but still... I eventually still want to be a dentist.

Lost.