The Guilt

You feel guilty because you were supposed to head to the gym today. You told yourself that you will head to the gym on alternate days. You said this is your holiday goal. This is your chance to keep fit because you have been eating a lot throughout the semester.

You succeeded on Sunday and Tuesday. You were supposed to run on Thursday morning but you told yourself that you need to do your laundry and pack up as you are moving back home that day. You unpacked everything and you decided that you will go down to the gym for your workout. You succeeded. Saturday came and you told yourself you would go to the gym in the morning. You woke up early to gym, and yet your book takes priority over your gym session. 

It is Saturday night, you are typing this blogpost and you are feeling extremely guilty. You just had a good dinner with your family after sunset service. It is currently 8.45pm and you are waiting for your food to digest. 

Quick! You still have time to head to the gym! It closes at 12am. The gym is just 5 minutes away. By the time your stomach finished digesting the food, it will be 10.30pm. The inertia is going to be real at 10.30pm as you sleep early at around 10.30pm or 11pm everyday. 

Beside you is a stack of new clothes. Your mom is outside your room nagging at you to bathe. After you click 'publish' you would go for your bath. Your brother just knocked at your door to remind you to bathe and wash your hair for you only wash your hair once every 2 days. That means you wash your hair on days when you gym. 

Good job Nicole. You're feeling extremely guilty now because you will wash your hair tonight and you are not going to the gym. How can you ever overcome this immense guilt? This inherent guilt will be with you until you head to the gym.

Now, take this guilt with you to the toilet as you bathe and as you sleep. 

And you will go to the gym in your dreams. 

The cycle will repeat until you go to the gym.

Who asked you to eat so much during the semester? You started this yourself, you have to stop this guilt yourself.  

Taking pictures

I'm not a professional photographer and I do not know how to take pictures in the perfect ratio. But I enjoy taking pictures of everything I do.

At that moment when one snaps a picture, everything at that moment comes to a standstill no matter how perfect or ugly that moment is. As I scroll through my photo album, I found too many selfies of myself and too many pictures of other people doing other things. Nothing explicit. I can't help but to smile when I look at these pictures as I recall what was happening that day and the emotions that ran through my head on that day. (I know I am supposed to be studying...) 

The following are a few pictures I took over the past 2 years-

This was taken almost exactly a year ago. I remember how we walked past and saw 'STAIN' on the board outside the student lounge. Mok and XinSiang laughed at how I was the stain of SA. Funny how I am the good kid. Being good kids, we decided to change it back to SAINT instead of studying. Well, I then got scolded because I didn't help to change it back to saint but instead, stood there to take a selfie.

This was also taken sometime ago. I never thought I would visit them in Vietnam. There was a promotional discount that the tickets to the band concert would be cheaper if you go with a scholar. I went with 2 scholars instead. But the discount was 1 for 1. Even when they toured me in Vietnam, I continued to receive discounts because they thought I was local.

We went back to St Nicks and Lizzie was studying in the new lounge. I remember I came from my my teaching internship training at NUS and I swear it was the longest ride I ever took back then because St Nicks was somewhere in AMK. It was just a random snapshot that made us laugh as she looked as if she was going on a war with the little kids. How old are you Lizzie? That night, I saw many of my graduating juniors who I welcomed in into St Nicks when I was Secondary 4. It was nice to see them grow and mature while I was away. (They used to stalk me HAHA)

This isn't the best picture of one of my many snapshots of Evan. He's extremely camera shy when it comes to individual photos. I took this in Vietnam on Day 1. That day, I was so excited as it was my first time travelling out of Singapore without my parents but with my close friends. What will I do without Evan who carried everything for me because I kept buying things? It was one of the rarest time he was in front of me because throughout the entire trip, he made sure that Doan and I were in front of him.

Kihan was skateboarding/penny boarding. It was a Monday that we went out to engineering for lunch. SOE had a lot of food and I was basically spoiled for choices as everything was cheaper than Utown. That Monday was the Monday that I learnt that I'll need more than 1 hour to learn how to penny board. I thought I could pick it up almost immediately like skating. On a side note, Kihan's really good at penny boarding and he'd always turn around so that I can catch up with him. It's unfortunate we can't continue our weekly Monday lunch because we got busy.

It's rare that XinSiang looks good in this photo because he's always the not-so-glamorous one due to his awkward photo face. This was taken after a sweaty day of walking into the jungle in an attempt to explore Singapore. The guys were acting as if they were in some urban operation where ever we go to and I would be in the center. Apparently, I was told that I have a role and I never knew what that role is until now. It was a Sunday and we all know, vanity is sweaty. All for 100 over likes on Instagram.

It was my birthday and I was really glad to have Beatrice and Vivian with me. These 2 are my closest friends who have been with me since secondary 1. I was once Beatrice's Bishan buddy and now I'm Vivian's Sengkang buddy as I recently moved to Sengkang. It was on 19/9/15 that they tailgated into my condo and followed my relatives around while saying that they can't be my relatives at the back. How funny. Though I stay near Vivian now, we seldom meet because I'm barely at home.

Here is a picture of me putting facial mask while writing my QR essay. That was the previous Sunday when I stayed in and forced myself to finish up draft 1. I worked since 6am to finish it up only to finish 3/4 by lunch. I was rather worked up as my excel skills did not come smoothly. Blessed am I to have 2 screens to work with. I met XS and Mok for lunch that day and I went home after 15 days of camping in my room. I felt good even though I barely did anything.

This is an extremely raw photo taken the next day after my previous photo. Little did I know my mom and my brother were both sick so I had to disturb them to make my presence known since I was home. I came back the next day and I actually fell sick after that. The highest temperature reached was 38.6 degree celcius and I had to get fever cooling patches for babies to keep my sanity. I am just glad it's not tonsillitis. I was in fact rather productive that night even though I was sleepy and I finished up my essay for QR.

This is a picture of a 大叔 I befriended in USP. I never thought I would actually be friends with this giant because I never spoke to him during orientation despite being in the same orientation group/house. Nonetheless, this 大叔 (notice how he looks like Steven Lim) is a very nice 大叔 who ate breakfast with me throughout the entire semester and my body clock wouldn't be at 7am now without this 大叔. By the way, you wouldn't want to study with him when he is doing WCT because of his round bottom flask. (psst, he looks like he's gonna fight)

This is a picture of Weixin and I at IKEA. This picture was taken was exactly a week before my birthday and I didn't know he would employ such tactics to get me out of my room, entertain me while the rest of my village invaded my room (with Kihan's help) to surprise me because they can't make it on my birthday. I really miss 8.45am, door 17, beehoon + egg and taugua days. Well, I satisfied my cravings for meatballs. :P

Here is a picture of Shao and I during USS. If I remember correctly, we were using my front camera to stalk the USS group behind us because we were bored. And snap!- A picture of us during USS. It's amazing how every Wednesday would be our study USS together days. It's even amusing that we were from the same training group for our teaching internship programme at the start of the year. HAHA. Mrs Noreen's Kids.

A picture taken with the Queen while we were waiting for tutorials to start. We were at S5 and didn't have inorganic chem tutorial that week. At that time, we were discussing about camp comm and she was basically spamming everyone on my contact list. Though this queen is a really demanding queen, this semester wouldn't be as bearable without her.

Taken in science library to send my mommy on a Friday after my tutorials. My mom pointed out that I looked tired instead of the 'alive' I captioned. Well, it was the 3rd/4th week of school and my body clock was a wreck and I was struggling to even wake up to attend 8am classes because I slept at 12am almost everyday. What was I doing?

Farewells are always the hardest. This was the last group picture taken before my bouncy spring flew back to Vietnam and then off to Montreal to pursue a career in Nursing. I cried buckets after that as I really do not know when I will ever get to see her again. To me, this is the most beautiful picture I 've taken this year (followed by all the pictures we took together in Vietnam for 10 good days). Thank God for college day so that I can send her off properly as I cried so badly on the last day of my Vietnam trip. I just felt that I could be a better host in Singapore as she stayed at my house during her last few days in Singapore. Here, in this picture are people who came from different CCAs (some of us are from the same CCA), different classes and different schools (Isaac, the in bright blue pants) to gather around for one last picture together despite our busy schedules. Yet, it's really amazing how we became friends with each other (especially Isaac who isn't from SA but got to know doan and I because of Evan). Aww man, I'm starting to feel sad again.



There are many more pictures that I've taken but I'll never start studying for my finals if I continue. It's always nice looking at old pictures once in a while and it's always nice to continue taking snapshots of my everyday life. I guess my selfies do mean a lot to me after all.

To end off, to me, a picture doesn't mean a thousand words but it is a moment that never changes even though the people in the pictures do. 

Sometimes, I Just have to grow up

I am a conscious living being, capable of making rational decisions. I am 19 and I am desperately trying to break away from the little girl image that I've been holding to for 19 years. And I have failed. Sometimes, it is really nice to have all attention on you and sometimes, it is simply just hard to change the way I behave unconsciously. Yet, my thoughts do not reflect one of a 16 year old girl and I strongly believe that my own opinion matters. Yet again, I do not voice them out. What will I do if I voice them out? Will I get into trouble?

While I want to grow up so that I can be free of other people imposing their opinions on me, there is still a part of me who doesn't want to break away from this good little girl image. I am sure that there is a way to compromise such opinions and I just have to find the guts to voice it out.

Dear friends, if you happen to be reading this, please don't think that I'm going to die or do anything dangerous or whatsoever. It's just a random thought that came across my mind as I continue to type my essay on reality and appearance. 

Semester 1

It is Friday on Week 13 (Friday the 13th) and it spells the last day of the semester. I'm actually 1/8 done with my university education! Honestly, though time passed really quickly, I felt that the semester has yet to end as there is still finals to take which I have yet to study for.

I am rather disappointed with myself as this isn't the university education I envisioned to have. At the moment, I really wish that I can turn back the clock and restart semester 1 proper as I really wasn't in into studying and actually completely lost motivation as I continued pursuing chemistry as my major. I honestly dislike how my inorganic chemistry module was taught as it was all about memory work. Then again, taking a step back, I really wondered if chemistry is the right choice for me as I am really uncertain of what I want to do in the future. I've yet to experience the lab life and therefore I do not have sufficient experience to mention about research life and currently, I feel that I'm entering uncharted waters. As for my math module, I wasn't learning. I was just being comfortable with what I know and barely put in any effort for math. I wasn't sure of what I was doing as I thought I chose chemistry and not math. Yet, math is seen to be an integral part of physical chemistry. I guess, I don't have a choice. 

As for my USP modules, I grew to understand how misleading the term 'scholar' is and the amount of effort I have to put in for my modules that I felt that chemistry is my second major. I've an essay that is still 5% done and I do not really know what I'm writing. This may sound surprising but I have come to like USS as a module even though it takes time and effort for a 2MC CS/CU module. It is amazing how pieces of knowledge come together and the different issues raised pertaining to each theory. This goes out to Quantum reality and Appearance too. I felt that I genuinely learnt something even though I could have put in more effort in my bell's inequalities and basically the mathematics involved in this module even though it was not essential. I'm glad my interest didn't die even though this module was so tough that I basically step out of class with a headache or spend 6hours thinking about a tutorial. 

As I'm typing this blog post, I really wish that I could turn back the clock to the start of the semester. I wished I put in more effort to get to know my friends better, to take part in rc life and to put in more effort in my modules as I felt that I barely learnt anything unless a submission comes and I scurry to look for my notes and start reading up. Socially, I'm unsure if I grew to be a quieter person as I felt as if I grew both ways. I do not know what I'm doing as on one hand, I made many friends and on the other, I do not have many close friends. Basically I'm a phantom. At times I would rather eat alone than eat with my friends as I simply don't feel like talking. Sometimes, I detest the fact that I just can't stay still and I detest the fact that I have to sleep and wake up early. I dislike how I do not have common topics with people. The only thing I can do is to start putting in effort. 

Wew this semester is full of regrets. And I will try not to make the same mistake next semester.

Speaking of which, there have been a lot of changes in my life. Living alone in the hostel isn't an easy feat for me when mommy isn't there to do my laundry or clean my room for me. I never noticed how I comply with the second law of thermodynamics so easily and I tend towards more disorder such that things get so messy and I basically can't live in such a condition that I have to clean up my room almost 2-3 days. There isn't mommy to clean for me. At the same time, I moved away from Bishan. I really miss Bishan as it was such a prime location and door 17 (Weixin will know this). I miss how there was a park for me to run or cycle in when I don't feel like doing anything. I miss Beatrice and how we could meet whenever we want because we stayed so near each other. (Beat this goes out to you and sorry vivvy though I stay really near you right now) Yifen is in UK so basically evening park sessions are over. Taking a step back, many things have changed over this 15 weeks and habits have changed too. My current room is half the size of my Bishan room and I have yet to adjust to how puny this room is. There are so many facilities to be used and I have yet to use any of them except the gym. I had to adjust to remember that I need an access card to enter the compound or I'll be stuck outside unless I tailgate other residents in into area. (Happens sometimes) Wew such a huge change in lifestyle... HAHA (trying to make this post less solemn) 

Well, all in all, 15 weeks (Including week 0 and recess week) flew by just like that and I guess it is just part of me growing up and adapting to my surroundings. Here's to a more productive reading week and even better 7 semesters ahead. (: 

Summer is over!

It's the end of my 'summer' holidays. It was so surreal that 8 months passed by so quickly. Many things happened as I grow to become a mature person during this 8 months of independence.

I stopped receiving allowance, I started working, I starting self-funding my own meals and transport. Upon receiving my Alevel results, I spent many nights applying for a scholarship and a scholars programme. Now, I'm proud to say, I'm a student studying in NUS studying under the faculty of science (chemistry). I also rejected a scholarship even though the terms were attractive. I don't know if this would leave a negative impression if I were to reapply for it again. My aim was to expose myself to a wide range of modules offered in USP which attracted me to apply even though I threw away my early admission slip as I thought it was just another programme. I did a teaching internship programme, gave private tuition and worked as a sales promoter. I believed I've learnt many valuable skills and lessons.

I never imagined myself to have come thus far. The 18 years 0 months old me back then was just studying hard for Alevels so that I will have a wide array of courses and scholarship to chose from and to apply to. The 18 years 11 months old me discovered that life isn't that easy after all. Having said that, I'm still a teenager who just discovered that there are many things to life. There are many options to chose from and there are many doors to open. It isn't about doing well, get a scholarship, get university over and done with and followed by a job which will perhaps make my parents proud. Having gone through 8 months of play and work, I've learnt to understand how the adult life works- how to make payment, how to do a bank transfer, how to send things via a post office, how to ask for help and many other things. The first 6 months of playing made me realised my desire to learn new things, to explore the world beyond education (not that I do not want to be a teacher. As of now, I still aspire to be one) so that I wouldn't be a teacher who only focuses on academia. (I discovered this as I was teaching my Sec 1). I've also interacted with a student and her parent who depended on tuition and my answers on a day to day basis.

Given that, I didn't waste my 6 months away. I started reading articles online to keep myself abreast of news and even read articles across many disciplines. I discovered that the world out there is so big and what I know is this small. I used to be nonchalant about the world around me. I didn't spend my 10 days in Vietnam playing but I also learnt about the different cultures in Vietnam. I discovered the many places Singapore have and yet so few know about them- except for a few hipsters who traveled all the way there to take photos to post on instagram. That includes my friends and me.

Then came July, I went for USP camp and made many wonderful friends. Eventually after the camp, somehow due to peer pressure and my own YOLO moment, I joined RAG. I learnt many dance steps and ended my holidays with a performance at the floating platform on the 7th of August. That was my first performance and perhaps its likely to be my last ever dance performance for I do not have hand-eye coordination. I had to repeat a certain step for hours to ensure I get the step right and not do anything funny.

These were my #holidaygoals- taken from a blogpost on 1 April 2015.

What have I done so far? 

1. Teaching internship (I'll elaborate further when I have time to do so, but I really enjoyed teaching!) 
2. Learnt Korean! (Vivian and I scored 93 & 94 respectively in our pre-elementary test) 
3. Hiding in National library with all the chemistry and psychology books. (Its really fun but 4 hours is the maximum I can go) 
4. Improved my squash skills (I'm not kidding when I say I improved, I'll work hard to improve more)
5. Keeping in contact with friends
6. Watched a lot of drama and wasting my life (I'm only watching an ongoing drama currently. I'm decent.)

What is next?

1. Improve my English (I think my english improved)
2. Read magazines (Not tabloid magazines) (I did not read any magazines)
3. Read books (I read books)
4. Read News (I read more articles and explored some subjects)
5. 10km goal!!! (I'm still stuck at 8km. I used to hate running, I can't believe myself) (I didn't reach 10km in the end. I ended up joining Rag dance and the conditioning was crazy enough. Dance practice was almost everyday from 10am-7pm 2 weeks before RAG)
6. Skip 2000 times without dying. (I'm still at 1300 times) (I reached that before July)
7. Learn a new subject on my own. (My USP essay was the first essay I enjoyed writing and it was on cognitive psychology. Along the way when I did some research, I found that social psychology was rather interesting so I've decided to pick it up and I've actually read some of it in the National Library.) (I didn't. I actually started working as a promoter as I felt that I needed money. But I assure myself that I learnt new things as I work too.)
8. Keep in contact with friends as much as possible (I kept in contact. It was honestly... tiring)
9. Work after I come back from Vietnam. (Probably retail or f&b) (Retail!!!)
10. Improve a skill - my guitar skills (Didn't do this at all)

It's time to start doing something productive! See you!